How long is a decade? How many memories can you contain in almost 30 years of existing? Are these quantifiable? Should we even count?
I feel grateful for everything. That is the general consensus of my life right now. 2 weeks before my birthday, I was able to go the beach and fulfill part of my mission to regain my energy from 3 months ago. Although that was merely an attempt and I never really saw That Girl in me again, I’m thankful I was able to do that. Not as much pride but, I appreciate my effort in trying. That’s something I can commend myself with. At least I am still trying to show up for myself even though I haven’t returned to the mat, nor committed to a month-long art challenge, nor took further steps in being financially free.
Series of setbacks led me to thinking I’ve lost my magic, but I make sure that the idea dissipates one way or another. I always try to remind myself that no progress is linear, and although I make more backward steps than forward, I am proud for trying again. I may be slow, but I’m moving. I’m still on my way.
Life also has its way of reminding me that I am more than what I give myself credit for. Opportunities keep coming my way and although I tend to make myself believe that I don’t deserve these, it humbles me to have people trust in what I can do. I know I can do them, I just put so much pressure on myself. I guess that’s also fear of disappointment and rejection? But I keep coming through and I plan on doing more than what I already can. I am determined to always better myself.
Adding another year to my life did not let the dread of the future escape me, I still feel like I’m not doing enough. These thoughts are still there eating me alive, but I have created a small and efficient system to stop that from crippling me. It’s not yet stable but it’s something. I can hold on to a little something.
What’s important is the now. I am alive and I can still try again tomorrow. Or the next. Maybe pause for a while. But as long as I’m breathing, I have no choice but to move forward. How ever that may be depends on me, and I hope it’s towards something better. The goal is to be happy, humble, and wise.
Watch me make it.
