- “I feel like you’re a Leo.” A few days ago, I was mistaken as a Leo. Not really sure about Astrology, but the stereotype for Leo (which is the only thing I know about) is their self-confidence, their dominating presence, and the powerful energy they give off. When this stranger said, “You’re so confident, the way you talk, your energy…” I couldn’t help but smile. I’m like a broken record when I say I want my confidence back, so hearing that from someone else makes me proud of myself. It’s proof that even if I still have a long way to go, I’m a step closer to getting there. A motivation to keep going and keep progressing. I did a good job.
- Recalibrating goals. I finally got myself a financial advisor. I’m investing and saving at the same time, something that I hated to hear about until a year ago. After getting a health reality check in 2019, I couldn’t stop feeling bad about not being financially free. And finally, I decided to take a step towards not feeling bad about myself (and my finances.) I am committing to this and I will succeed. Here’s to taking one small step towards my goals!
- The Moonlight Project. Today, I asked my friend to collaborate with me in doing a project for Jonghyun. I’ve always wanted to do something for him, to honor him, to remember him. I didn’t know where to start, and a huge part of me wants it to be different from all the projects before. When I pitched the idea to my friend, I was reminded (slapped on the face) of why I should be doing this in the first place. It seemed like I wasn’t doing it for the right reasons, so I have to think hard about why I’m doing this.
- Becoming humble. There is an ugly calligraphy plastered on my wall that says “Be humble enough to keep learning.” It’s written on a torn page from my come-what-may notebook, and I made that during the time I was on the process of “recalibrating my goals.” I remember I was listening to a podcast, and thoughts just started flowing down, and I began doing calligraphy again. It was also the day I tried my hand at painting with watercolor. It was ugly, so I never did it again. Goes to show I only do things to get validation, and that’s exactly why I had to plaster that quote on my wall. I need to always remind myself that being the best is not the finish line. The finish line shouldn’t exist because I have to keep learning. I would make excuses, I would delay my pace, but I will strive to keep learning. I can do it.
- Admitting weakness, and not loving it. On a normal day, I would say self-deprecation is my way to cope. But today, I am thinking of how to quit sabotaging my own progress. I feel jealous, I feel unaccomplished, I feel like a loser. There are many things that feel like they should be mine, that I should be the one over there, and that I shouldn’t be where I am right now, but I want to remind myself of the small wins I previously mentioned above. When I was having that dark episode in 2019, I was feeling hopeless. I thought I’m already too late to start with managing my finances better. But not even two years later, I’m already walking the path towards that goal of feigning for myself. Years ago, I wouldn’t even be bothered to enroll to skill-building lessons, but now I’m enrolled to two. I used to think working out is not for me, but I was able to keep a daily workout routine even just for 2 weeks. Little steps matter, because they make me feel good about myself. It helps me to keep going. So maybe all these worries, the pressure of finding my life’s purpose, and even the pace that I carry right now might be not enough for my current standards but as long as I keep moving forward, it will take me somewhere.
- Managing anger. I can’t say I’ve totally managed to control my anger, but these past few weeks were peaceful. I haven’t argued with my mom, and I can constantly remind myself to not resort to lashing out. I noticed I’m more patient, and I’m so happy I’m able to do that now. It feels great. Loving my mom the way she should be loved feels refreshing.
Not knowing everything is expected towards humans, and I’d like to think that I’m good at being human. I don’t know everything, I’m not everything I hope to be, and things are not going according to what I want; But I’m willing to take every little step just so I can reach all of my goals. I’m not there yet, but I’m coming. It will be hard, but I’ll get there. Every day is an experience that I have to cherish and learn from. Today, I learned that I can be jealous and at the same time use that energy to be thankful for my breakthroughs.
I have faith that someday, it will be my turn.
