I’ll always choose where I am right now over where I used to be. In a heartbeat. It’s the now I like, and I plan to be this person for a very long time.
I will always thank early twenty something me for going through all the disgusting breakdowns and impulsive decisions that I made (and still making up for right now) because if it weren’t for that irrational behavior, I wouldn’t be accepting of who I am now. I owe my emotional intelligence to every single setback I had to conquer, all the friends I lost, all the tears I cried, because they literally made me who I am today.
I remember hating myself because I felt like I haven’t had any progress. I watched people move on and become the better version of themselves, and I couldn’t bear seeing myself being in the same old spot that I so desperately want to escape from. I was miserable, insecure, and so consumed by jealousy that I couldn’t control. It was a bitter poison I couldn’t spit out, and all I was capable of doing is to keep to myself and hate the world around me in silence. It felt bad to be jealous. It felt bad to close my eyes and steer away from people that I should be rooting for.
But now that my life is actually better, I think I have become the person I used to be jealous of. And I’m not entirely sure if that’s a good thing or not. I can feel eyes that turn away from me, taste bitter words in sugar coated pleasantries, doubts that want to penetrate my confidence, and silence that’s so loud I couldn’t hear myself celebrating what I have achieved.
And I feel lonely.
I am in no way near success, but I have come really far. I crawled and suffered my way here and I am sure that all that’s brand new will still find a way to cripple me one way or another. I am not where I used to be, but there’s still somewhere I want to be. I am still on my way, but the difference is that I’m actually with myself while I’m working on it. I’m not with fear, I’m not with insecurity. I am with strength and courage — things that were elusive to me before I started trusting myself.
I shouldn’t expect people to stay, but it sucks to know that it’s only misery that loves company.
