I hope whoever reads this will protect my open secret.
I am currently in GMT+10, inside a warm room of a two-storey house along a very nice neighborhood. It’s currently 10:03 in the evening, and I am slumped down on the bed, trying to document a week’s worth of new beginnings.
There’s no better way to go about it but write about it. The feelings I’ve been wary (scared) of are slowly creeping up and I’d rather have them now before I start my classes. So first thing’s first. I’m in Australia to take double masters in Marketing and Media & Communications. It came as a surprise to most of my friends, since 1) I’ve never told anyone about my plans; 2) I told them after I was granted a visa; and 3) I didn’t want to hear both hopeful wishes and discouraging ideas. It’s too much to handle.
I guess I took this year very seriously, with 2021 as my springboard, and I’m just continuing what I started — self-growth and claiming my confidence. My last post about the yearend was obviously whack, since I was tipsy and forcing myself to write something about how terrific that year was, but it is now giving me a window of the progress I made in that relatively short period of time.
Same time last year, I was starting to drift away from my productive first half, but I pulled through and was able to accomplish more than what I planned. The Bad Love ad in EDSA was a pleasant surprise, and I am still proud of what I have done, especially since Key actually went to the Philippines for a joint concert. That story is for another time.
Right now, I want to tell the story about how I mustered up the courage to pack my bags, leave my hometown, and fly to a different country. I don’t usually plan things out, or when I do, I just go along with my adrenaline and whatever follows, follows. Like all the feelings I’ve been collecting the past months, they are now ganging up on my brain (and my lungs, if I’m being honest) and pushing all these thoughts about failure and disappointment, making it a little bit hard to breathe.
To try and make room for healthier thoughts, here’s what happened. About 2 years before the pandemic, the idea of studying abroad was suddenly introduced to me. I can’t exactly remember how that thought came, but I’m sure my mother has something to do with it. Tracing back the time, I think the idea came from her experience traveling to Australia. She might have talked to a few people and led her to thinking I can study here, and shared that idea with me.
Anyway, my mom and I attended an Australian school fair somewhere in Ortigas, where different schools promoted their specialties and the type of education they offer. After the event, I signed up and took the IELTs and got a passing mark, however I really didn’t know what program to take or which school to go to. It was also during the time when I wasn’t sure what I wanted to be, so when things got a bit clearer after I quit my first job, (which is to to go back to art,) I saw the opportunity to build my portfolio while I’m on my second job, and planned to take up design abroad.
But as I got exposed to the marketing field through my stint as a (semi) graphic artist, I realized that it’s something I want to learn and pursue. I’ve always wanted to further my studies, but it was also something I kept putting off because of self-inflicted conflicts and lack of confidence. And then, the pandemic hit. I felt the desperation to reset my life. It also made me realize how much time I wasted focusing on what I couldn’t do, instead of discovering the steps I needed to take to change my path. Then, one day when I got too high on caffeine, I got so close to submitting an application form to take Master of Psychology in UP (despite having zero background on the field) just because 1) I wanted UP’s sablay, 2) a new graduation picture, and 3) I just wanted not feel dumb anymore.
Since all offices were in skeletal workforce, the documents I needed to complete my application were justifiably delayed and I couldn’t pass on time. It was a blessing in disguise, since it revived the idea of studying overseas. After connecting with my chosen agency and finally having a course and path in mind, I was able to choose which university to enroll to. A year after (with several hiccups in between), I am now spending my first week in Sydney.
The preparations for my flight were in haste, having to accommodate my job, finish required documents for school and the visa, and attend the last minute goodbyes with friends and family. I didn’t have time to process that I will be leaving my mom behind and facing an entirely new life in Australia. They said I was brave, but the truth was, I just procrastinated my feelings. Now that it’s officially a week since I arrived, I’m finally feeling the sadness of being separated from my family, the discomfort of being surrounded by unfamiliar faces, the uncertainty of the future, and the disappointment I might make or experience while I’m here.
I know it’s birthing pain, and that things will eventually turn out fine, but it doesn’t take away the fact that it’s difficult and that it only just begun.
I’m also afraid of not being present while my life is happening. Because of my fear for feelings, I might subconsciously shut down and avoid unnecessary thoughts. But I want to be brave in my own right — to cry all the tears I have to, to feel invisible while standing out, and even to experience heartaches and setbacks.
I guess the biggest fear I have right now is the failure to (re)claim my life and break the promise of revising my university experience.
I must always remember: I am here to live. I must not be afraid.
